As We Approach Our First Anniversary

ducastel-272-3297540969-OWe have been merging systems, ways of doing laundry, patterns of days, schedules for contacting family, decisions over where to spend holidays. Each coming with years of family systems, traditions, ways of being, and we’re not going to just do it your way or just do it my way, so we take the time to learn our way. The joy of being a team means not making me in charge of the home and him in charge of outside, (not that anyone who knows us at all thought we would), but I can see how that would require a lot less discussion. But we like to talk…

I’ve introduced him to my goal setting and crazy ideas and because of that we seriously contemplated moving to Boston and my going to Harvard. He participated in the crazy side that makes the decision to take the GRE a month out and does. He introduced me to his disciplined rhythms of work and home and Sabbath. I still don’t understand how he can be better at both disciplined work and resting, but it’s true, and I participated in more Slow Saturdays with pancakes, more of a routine, which we desperately needed with my crazy schedule at the hospital, and more turning everything into a song. We learned together that we make our best decisions while hiking. And together we merged tendencies into a rhythm of discipline, Sabbath, and a sprinkling of crazy ideas.

Merging into a new family can be hard though. Everything comes with a discussion — how are we going to celebrate this? What’s our way of dealing with that? How can we support one another and leave space for friends and family relationships? What does a normal week look like? Is there such thing as a normal week? (We’re learning the answer seems to be no).

If we could have picked 365 days of events for our first year of marriage I wouldn’t have picked these ones. (Apparently I warned him that he wouldn’t like me as much when I was working at the children’s hospital; I guess that was good of me). It’s a good thing I didn’t pick the events, because even though this year has contained a lot of decisions and difficulty, they were overwhelmed by joy and possibility. There were events that alone would have been challenges but faced together were adventures. There were friends who acted as family. There were travels, adventures, and quiet days at home. At the end of the day, we’ve started the process of becoming an us.

I hope as we pass from the “everything is a discussion” stage into more of an unspoken rhythm (though I’m assuming that children bump folks back to having to discuss how things are to be done) that the gifts of this season continue. I hope we can continue to grow in grace and patience with each other, seeking to ask before we assume, to encourage before we suggest, and to see the humor and opportunities for joy and gratitude in whatever circumstance the day holds. (I know there are new mercies for each day, I’m just still learning to take full advantage of these…) Through it all though, the abundance of God has always been made clear. There is enough grace, enough forgiveness, enough clarity, to go around and plenty of teachers when we look to learn.

As we head toward new adventures as a clergy couple in Kentucky, I am grateful for the process of merging systems, dreams, and prayers that have led us to this place. For a calling that is both unique to each of us but different than it would have been without the other. Knowing that we go forward with the faith and assurance that the Holy Spirit goes ahead of us as a new adventure awaits.

Holy Spirit Ain’t Let Me Down Yet…

tumblr_lux8agUVMQ1qkynm4I can’t remember what actually took place that night, except it was a long, hard night at the children’s hospital, and I was probably looking a little worse for wear. I ran into one of my soon to be favorite coworkers from EVS who asked me if I was hanging in there. All I could think to say was, “Holy Spirit ain’t let me down yet!” This has become a sort of call and response liturgy between the two of us when we pass in the halls of the basement of the hospital. “Holy Spirit ain’t let you down yet?” “No sir!” “Amen!”

In the beginning of my time at the hospital that thought was both prayer and reassurance. Both asking and reassuring. This was until we had a discussion in my CPE group about praying for the presence Holy Spirit. My supervisor posed the thought by asking if we thought the Holy Spirit was present in the hospital, to which we said yes. She then suggested maybe instead of asking that the Holy Spirit come, that we might pray in gratitude for the presence of the Holy Spirit already present and at work in the space, so that we might enter less in fear and more in the reassurance of the presence of God. I thought the idea was interesting but kinda pushed it to the back on my mind until one night on call.

I had been paged to the Pediatric ICU waiting room to be with a mother who was fearful for the life of her child. She was crying and calling out to God loudly, and my presence did nothing to calm this. I was at peace with that, as I do not believe that the job of a chaplain is to quiet peoples’ grief, but apparently the crying led other staff persons to believe I was not there. I received a call on my Ascom phone asking if I would go to the PICU waiting room to be with a crying mom. I informed them that I was already there. By the third call/person stopping in I was beginning to realize that they didn’t believe I was there because they thought I would quiet the mom down, and one person couldn’t see me because I was surrounded by the family. I finally had to tell someone, “I am not leaving, so you don’t need to keep paging me here, but you may not see me, and this mom may not stop crying even though I’m here.”

And that’s when I realized that I sometimes treat the Holy Spirit the same way. I keep calling and paging the Holy Spirit to a place where the Spirt already is. Sometimes because I cannot feel it or see it and sometimes because I believe that the situation would go differently if the Holy Spirit were really present.

The Holy Spirit still hasn’t let me down, but now I take turns between asking and thanking, between inviting and communing, and I reminded from that night that even though I may not hear or see the work of the Spirit, and it may not turn out as I think it should that the Holy Spirit is still at work in my life and in the lives of those around me, for which I am exceedingly grateful.

Why I’ll Never Say “Boys Will Be Boys…”

boys-will-be-boys-03In my newsfeed recently I have seen articles about why women shouldn’t wear leggings or yoga pants, both satirical and not, and others about fraternity culture. These articles have focused on expectations, and some of the non-satirical ones, have suggested that “men will be men” and that women should not expect men to control themselves or act with propriety. In short, the premise is that because men cannot be expected to act a certain way, women should change their actions.

I am not writing about yoga pants, but I am interested in expectations. Because to me, “boys will be boys” is often a younger version of the same thing. I will acknowledge that, with most things, there is a continuum to this, but let me just say I’ve never heard “boys will be boys” used to describe a male child helping his family clean up after dinner or doing his homework. I instead hear it used when a male child disobeys, plays rough, or acts out in class. Which translates to me as an oblique way of saying, “this child has a tendency toward disobedience, and we’ve not figured out how (or have stopped trying) to discipline him for it.” So in many ways they are words of defeat or a cry for help. Because the thing is, don’t all children have a tendency to disobey to some degree to another?

Now granted, I was that child where you could say, “I’m disappointed in you” and I would feel guilty for days.  I understand all children are different, but  I’m suggesting that what shouldn’t differ from child to child is our expectations for them to live within healthy boundaries. It’s again about expectations.

You see, research into expectations shows some really interesting things. Our expectations about a child actually effect that child’s actions. Research in the 1970s led by Ray Rist showed that teachers expectations of their pupils, from past reports, meeting their parents, how they dressed, but not any test of their academic performance, affected how well they thought those students would do in school. Which in turn affected how they interacted with those students. In summary, teachers’ created a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the students they thought wouldn’t do well, regardless of intelligence, didn’t do as well. Studies of expectations have even been shown to have an effect on rats. A man named Robert Rosenthal did a study where he went into his lab and labeled some cages of rats as smart rats and some as dumb rats.  In fact, they were all just rats. Then his students ran their rats through mazes and tasks. The results seemed almost crazy in that the “smart” rats did almost twice as well as the “dumb” rats, even though they were all just rats. It turned out that the students’ expectations affected how they interacted with the rats in all sorts of small ways.  They touched the rat more gently, felt more warmly toward the rat, and in turn, the rat preformed better.

Now I’m not trying to compare children to lab rats. I just think that this study does a fantastic job of pointing out how our expectations come through in small, almost unperceivable actions, and how those actions in turn shape our overall behavior.

So, back to boys being boys. There are behaviors that society has come to expect from boys as ‘natural’ without thinking about how we as parents, caregivers, teachers, etc. might be reinforcing said behavior. If, when a girl pushes another little girl she is disciplined, but when a little boy pushes another little boy it gets shrugged off as just being a boy, we are reinforcing that stereotype.  This is undervaluing how boys can behave with boundaries and good discipline. If our expectations can shape our interactions with children, then I would hope that my expectations would be setting up both boy and girl children for success, problem solving skills, and understanding good boundaries.

It should be “children will be children.” Children will be children means yeah, they’re going to push boundaries, test caregivers, learn about their environment sometimes in unsafe or unhelpful ways.  That’s when we as caregivers can choose to step in to guide and teach, not step back to give up or shrug it off. Children will be children means that both boys and girls need play and movement and outdoor air. Not just boys get dirty and not just boys test the limits of their caregivers’ knowledge and patience.

I think my parting thought is this – what expectations do you have for yourself as a parent or caregiver? Is “boys will be boys” covering for feeling like you don’t have a mastery of disciplining your child or don’t know what to do when he disobeys? In which case, I might suggest that you think about the inner conversations you have about how capable you are as a mom, dad, or caregiver. So instead of saying “boys will be boys” what if we build a safe community to try discipline and boundaries even when it can look messy from the outside. What if we ask for help and suggestions while realizing that doesn’t make you less capable as a parent. It means you’re using your resources. Because if children will be children, I have also seen that parents will be parents — who want what’s best for their children, and don’t want to have low expectations, but sometimes run out of ideas or energy and wonder if their child can actually change. So my challenge might be, instead of saying “boys will be boys” to have the courage and the faith in yourself as a parent and in your child as a being full of potential, to try something new or ask for help, or at least just state the honesty of the situation that this is behavior y’all are working on, knowing that you, and they, have the potential for growth and change.

We Come ‘Round Right

free-spirit-18x24-smjpg-21I had a recoup day yesterday after what felt like a crazy but wonderful week. We had gotten stuck on a trip to Kentucky and stayed there an extra day and then spent the weekend getting ready for a wedding shower/party for great friends, all of which were good things, but I got to the end of the weekend and it felt like all the pieces were moving, and I couldn’t pin them down. Add in an on call Sunday and recoup day on Monday was much needed. After a morning nap, I took on cleaning out the fridge and the pantry, washing all the sheets and towels, and generally trying to feel re-settled. I was enjoying myself so much I began to think that maybe just being a stay at home person (not mother or even pet care tender at present) for the next bit would be great. I could order all the things. I could put everything in its place. I realized, even in saying this, that I would be bored out of my mind by day three when everything was organized, and I didn’t do enough to mess it up again. We create messes through living and doing in a space. To not make a mess means to not inhabit that space.

I think my desires for my life and vocation are frequently the same. I want to get all the pieces put in the right place and the right time and leave them there. I forgot that it is as I learn and do that I better understand my call and vocation, where my nest best place is to serve God and neighbor. The children’s song “Simple Gifts” states “To turn, turn will be our delight, Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.” Sometimes we can only know the ‘right place’ by having been in the ‘wrong’ or ‘not as right’ place. Sometimes we rediscover this moment’s right place over and over again through the movement of the place. Sometimes we fight our next right place but end up turning and turning and always ending up back there no matter how hard we try.

This adventure called life is messy. To create anything — a home, a relationship, a vocation — takes moving around the pieces, seeing where they fit and can be used and where they don’t. While the turning often makes me dizzy or wish that I could stop and be still and settled, I am coming to believe it doesn’t work like that. Even within settled places – a job, a marriage, a relationship, a faith – there will need to be room for movement. The God of Scripture is one of a living Word – there is still movement, still rustling of the Holy Spirit between the pages and within our hearts and lives. There is movement in marriage and we take turns, sometimes with cleaning, and sometimes with choices that benefit one’s job or dreams over the other, and next time it will be the other way. Even among friends, we turn to continue to fit as we grow together, sometimes from classmates to working folks in different places, sometimes from single folks to married folks to people with children. This turning and turning sometimes turns us closer to each other and sometimes farther away, but if we can turn together, than those are the relationships that are able to last, and it is not mine to hold all the pieces still.

I don’t know about you, but I often want to be in the ‘right’ place, with things also in their corresponding ‘right’ places, but as soon as I forget I am reminded, that it is the movement of the Holy Spirit that nudges me to turn, to create mess and to tidy it up again, to move and to grow in vocation and relationship and that even when I feel like my world is unstable, I have not gone too far, I have a firm foundation upon which to turn and as Julian of Norwich said, “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well” or as it’s been in my head today – “Till by turning, turning we come ’round right.”