Anticipation – Not in Fast-Forward

ImageI am generally a lover of possibility. I am in awe of the possible. I think this is why I have always been a purveyor of crazy ideas. (My dad and I are known for them in our family). Loving crazy ideas means loving the planning and the scheming that comes with an idea even if it never comes to fruition. I plan trips I might never get to go own, name pets I don’t own yet, and generally daydream and plan for adventures yet unknown.

This means that I am good with anticipation. I like the time of looking forward to an event and frequently am willing to undergo the disappointment of the event or occurrence not taking place just for the joy of waiting for it.

Recently I seem to have lost this art. I have been wishing for the fast-forwarding of days. I have two weeks left, after this one, in grad school. I get married six weeks from Sunday. I have already begun to clean and pack my apartment and would move tomorrow if I had somewhere to go. I am ready and excited for the future, and there is nothing wrong with that.

What’s wrong is that I am not living in the present. I have been wishing to fast-forward days. These are my last few weeks getting my M. Div, and I may miss this at some point. These are my last few months as a non-married person, and that’s something to live into. The verse is This is the day that the Lord has made… Not those will be the days…

I’m struggling to know how though. I’m pretty sure this has been the longest Lent of all time. Add in participating in a church merger, helping my fiancé with his commissioning paperwork (think pre-ordination in the UMC), finishing up the semester, and wedding planning, and I’m living in those days that both last forever and go flying by. How do I slow down and live now?

I would gladly take any suggestions that y’all have, but a few that have come to me that I feel obligated to try out.

1)   I will marinate in experience. I am excited about the future and want to get to it, but the future will be experienced in relation to now. The restful moments of this summer will seem more restful in comparison to the busyness of this season. The joy of not having homework will be more profound if I continue to see my schoolwork to the end and with full effort. The excitement of starting a home together with my new husband will provoke even more gratitude in contrast to my living situation now.

2)   I will seek out people that I will not run into as easily in the next chapter after graduation. I know of some awesome folks who will sadly be moving after graduation. What would it look like to carve out time to spend with them and enjoy their company now while I still take it for granted?

3)   I will ask and ask to be asked (yes I just wrote that) to reflect what I am grateful on. Occasionally my fiancé and I ask each other what we were grateful for in the day, but I’d like to make more of a habit of it. My poor gratitude journal has been neglected recently, and it might be time to break that back out and find little reasons to be thankful for these days.

I hope that I can treasure these days in transition and be grateful for what they contain. These last days as Miss and not Mrs. And not Rev. These last days as student for the next little while — These last days in this exact place. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and not fast-forward it.


One thought on “Anticipation – Not in Fast-Forward

  1. Hi! Try this…. You could enjoy, relish, the fact that you have something to anticipate! There are so many older people who have nothing to anticipate, who wish they had an earthly future to look forward to. So, in addition to chastizing yourself that you aren’t living in the present, try savoring the fact that you have an exciting future to look forward to!!!!! And enjoy the experience of anticipation. Just a thought! Jane

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